A British institution was thrown into disarray yesterday at the hands of terrorism, writes Gregory Shalford.
The Radio 1 Roadshow at Frinton-on-Sea fell victim to a security alert, this
led to a mass evacuation of the seafront and the cancellation of DJ Clive
Warren's thirteenth Roadshow.
A coded message was telephoned to Jack Dee's Gentlemen Outfitters in the town centre at 10:45, a mere fifteen minutes before the Roadshow was to go 'on air'.
"They're all tosspots," warbled Warren yesterday. "This was to be my magical thirteenth time on the road, and many of the East Anglian listeners to my show had taken the day off work to come along. I'd also heard a talent scout was there, so I was hoping to impress him, and get some panto work this year."
Two hundred milkmen had turned up, all listeners to Warren's stupidly early programme, which he has been presenting since the equally talented Bruno Brookes quit in the mid-seventies. They were hoping to perform a Red-Arrows style routine along the promenade, culminating in the crowning of Miss Frinton 1997. AND 'Let Loose' were lined up to play.
The incident was thought to be the work of the IRA. 'Catfood' spoke to Geri, the leader of its political wing, Sinn Fein. She stated "We have the power to karate kick our cause to the top of the agenda. There must be no negotiated settlement and Clive Warren must die, two can become one in Ireland. Anyone want to see my tits?"
The political response was rapid. Tony Blair issued a statement just after 'You and Yours', announcing "We must never give way to the bomb. I was
gutted when the evacuation notice came through. I turned back and still have
not got over my frustration. Cherie's not stopped crying. We were on our way
there when it was announced. She's a massive Clive warren fan."
William Hague also condemned the terrorist's action, bellowing, "This is not the way to impress the British public. You can blow the arse off of our soldiers and cripple our infrastructure, but it has gone too far when the Radio One Roadshow is disrupted."
Paddy Ashdown merely muttered "Bloody amateurs! Bet I've killed more people than they ever could."
A nearby dairy made room for the evacuated milkmen, where they continued rehearsing for their 'Float-by'. The other seventeen members of the public at the Roadshow have been housed in beach huts until Thanksgiving.
Three controlled explosions took place, the police have now confirmed the suspect packages contained only doughnuts. But this could just be the start of a new campaign of terror against British institutions. "We'll be back" vowed Geri "Sisters must unite and get their kit off as much as possible. Look out Radio Two! Watch out Wogan. Anyway, who do you think you are? You Irish git!"
In response, the BBC have recently announced an abbreviated Roadshow, 'R' will take place in Frinton, replacing the Thursday evening edition of 'Newsbeat'
Warren is just thankful that no one was splattered, "It's lucky we got the warning when we did, otherwise we could have been playing 'Bits and Pieces' for real."
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