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A Vauxall Astra has been spotted parked in Spalding, Lincs. The car, a red saloon thought to either a `B' or `D' registration, was seen near the Royal British Legion in Stanhope Road on Sunday evening at around nine, although it had gone by midnight. Anyone with any information concerning the numbers of doors on the Astra is asked to contact Mr Verne on 0171-616-1000.

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Rail users are reminded that the 10:59 Basingstoke to London Waterloo stopping train will not call at Brookwood on Good Friday. "It would be disrespectful in the extreme" a South West Trains spokesman announced yesterday from behind a sofa. To compensate, the service will stop twice at Farnborough (Main) and slow to 3 miles per hour at Woking. Passengers will be able to board or leave the train with the aid of a giant trampolene which will adorn the platform (Hoc).

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At Clapham Junction those alighting will be greeted by the cast of BBC sitcom "The Liver Birds", with Nerys Hughes on hand to guffaw at people travelling from Winchfield. "Think yourself lucky", the spokesman added, "last year Godalming and Vauxhall were merged by a group of pagan protesters and some people had to walk several miles to work." (Reuters).

The Essex town of Braintree was reported kidnapped this week. Apparently masked raiders intercepted the town as it made it's way home from the barber's on Monday and bundled it into a transit-type van. Demands for a ransom have been made to folk-singer Ralph McTell, thought to be Braintree's closest living relative, although the figure has not been revealed. Police are appealing for witnesses, especially if you have noticed two hispanic-sounding men in a disused barn or warehouse.


Scientists at Keele University have unveiled a revolutionary breakthrough in hosiery, a heat-sensitive bra which responds to Britain's favourite talking point, the weather. The Climate Cup (TM) has a special device rather like foil which allows the cleavage to appear to expand in cold weather, thereby "seeming more welcoming", claims designer Humphrey Breakfast, "whilst in a summer heatwave, a lady's chest will shrink so as to reduce the chances of both a bikini-line and skin cancer."

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If successful, the new line in all-weather lingerie, which so far has only been tested on shrimp, could spell the death of the wonderbra. Professor Breakfast is also working on an umbrella attachment to maintain dry breasts and prevent uncontrollable expansion of the de-hydrated climatological matter, one design fault that has to be overcome before the bra appears in the shops. "I think it's disgraceful," commented broadcaster Valerie Singleton, "Irene Handl will be turning in her grave".

Residents of Spalding are worried by a spate of parkings in Stanhope Road. One local described his horror as he saw a white Nissan Micra reversing into a space near the garden in which his small son was playing. "It was hideous," he recounted "I mean, it didn't even have a sunroof." Anyone with any information concerning this manouevre should telephone Mr. Verne on 0171-616-1000.

Actress Zoe Wannamaker is teaming up with pop sensations the Spice Girls to record a tribute to her father, the director Sam Wanamaker, who died at Pearl Harbour. The song, entitled "Wanamaker", is an adaptation of the five pop temptresses hit "Wannabe" and William Hill have given it 5:1 odds-on favourite for the coveted Election Day number one slot. Proceeds from the disc will help to buy Zoe a new garden shed. fin

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